TMS 3: Desi Parents vs. Love Marriages

Asalamoalaikum!

Dear sisters,

Have you been told that love before marriage is haram? Have you seen your friends struggle to marry the person they love? Do you like someone and don't know what to do? Are you afraid of telling your parents because a) They will ghar se bahar nikaling you b) Get you deported to Pakistan and make you marry someone there to utaring the bhoot of love marriage off your head or c) Give you zabardast pitaie instead of mithaie? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this post is dedicated to you!

Love by itself is the most beautiful intangible entity that we long to receive and marriage is a pure bond that binds two souls together. So what could be better than love or marriage? I think the answer is obvious... a love marriage! Love and marriage go together like halwa and poori (yummm!), one would be incomplete without the other.

On the surface it may seem that the desi community at large has accepted the Love Marriage Concept (LMC) but unfortunately, for many families that is not the case. Below are some dialogues you may have heard typical desi parents say when approached by their children about getting married to someone they love... followed by my analysis and some practical advice.

"Astaghfirullah! Ye sunnay se pehlay hum mar kyon nai gaey!"

"Ye shaadi nai hosakti owaaay!"

"Bus, jo keh diya so keh diya!"

"We are Muslims, Muslims are not supposed to do these kinds of things. It is HARAM! There is no love shove before shaadi, sub bakwaas hai!"

"Buray larkian aur larkay ye harkatein karte hain. We don't want this kind of badnaami, what will people say? Humain izzat jaan se zyada pyaari hai!"

"Mujju kay abba suntay ho!? Tumhari beti ne kya gul khilaya hai apni awara gori doston ke saath reh reh ke!... Aakhir maa baap ki koi hasiat hai!? Aaj kal ke bachay want to decide everything by themselves, no importance of parents!"

"Khandaan se bahar shaadi!? Kabhi nai!"

"Yeh tumhari pasand hai, YEH!? eski shakkal dekhi hai tumne, chozay jaisi! Aqal aur aankhain dono kharab hain!"

"Abhi chappal utaar ke maroon gi na tou sara love ka bhoot utar jaey ga!"

And of course the classic reaction.... no need for words:

*gasp*..................... *death stare + deadly silence*..................... *thappar!*

Argh, typical desi parent strategy: Don't discuss, only dictate. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about... most desi parents are good at stating their opinion but horrible at justifying or discussing it with their children in a rational manner. They think they can handle this matter by expressing anger and being authoritative. Maybe they listened to their parents without questioning them but we require answers and explanations in order to be convinced and there is nothing wrong with that. Since childhood we have been told that it is good to listen to your parents and bad to question them. I agree with the first part of that statement but I don't believe asking questions decreases the respect for parents in any way. Islam doesn't encourage mindlessly following someone, rather we are encouraged to ask questions, think, ponder, and reflect. So go ahead and ask your parents why they are acting the way they are... and what is the reason for their refusal (so what if you get a thappar or two, love hurts, deal with it jawan :p)

Advice for parents: Pleeeeeeeeaaaasee open those doors of communication and let some fresh air in! Yes you have every right to advise your child, but your anger and lack of willingness to communicate only suppresses the issue, it doesn't resolve the matter. If you want your kids to listen to you, sit down with them and explain to them calmly why you think so-and-so isn't a suitable match for them. And if you don't even know who they want to marry, then make an effort to know the person at the very least.

Isn't it awesome that your child has saved you the long and tedious journey of finding a good spouse for him/her? What's there to lose if you're getting a good rishta without contacting Aunty Shakooran or other similar creatures? Please do remember that you will be questioned for your actions just like everyone else... It's unfair to reject your child's wish of marrying someone for invalid reasons that have no foundation in Islam (such as different race/cast issue, status difference, etc.). Give your kids a chance to speak up because at the end of the day you want them to be happy inshAllah.

Advice for youth: Don't lose your temper, stay within limits, and don't give up. I know its frustrating when parents block all ways of communication and aren't even willing to listen to you, let alone support you. But, lets not forget that they are the same parents who took care of you and had mercy on you since you were a helpless little cute creature up until now. Though they may not express their love, they still love you to bits and pieces and are only trying to protect you by means they think are effective. When you tell them you like someone, the first thoughts that pop up in their mind are all negative... because that's how their mind works for concepts that are borderline "haram". So instead of being angry and rude (which would only give more fuel to their negative assumptions) try to talk to them calmly and respectfully. Reassure them that you are not going to do anything wrong and that you are simply trying to seek their advice and help in getting married. Give them hadiths if you have to, to prove yourself. Many parents would be shocked to find out that Islam acknowledges the existence of love before marriage and gives a person every right to marry whoever they think is suitable.

Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, “We do not see for those who love one another anything like marriage.” [Sunan Ibn Majah, Book of Marriage, Number 1847, Sahih]

It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1087; classed as hasan by al-Nasaa’i, 3235)

That being said, keep in mind that people cross boundaries pretty easily when under the love spell. It's natural to have feelings for someone, but what matters is what you do with those feelings. If you are genuinely interested in marrying someone, the best approach would be to get your parents involved and get on with the rishta process as soon as possible. It is not acceptable to go out with the person or have long phone conversations without a third person. If indulging in forbidden actions is your definition of love, then you need to get yourself an Islamic dictionary and reevaluate the meaning of true love :)

Allah (swt) says: ''O you who believe, do not make unlawful the good things Allah has made lawful for you, and do not overstep the limits. Allah does not love people who overstep the limits" (5:87)

Click on this link to find out more about the LMC in Islam: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/2342

Sincerely,
D.M.

Bet-you-didn't-know-that FACTS about Salah

Assalamoalaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu

Dear sisters,

Here are some absolutely amazing facts about salah :D Don't come after me if you already knew them, I just wanted a catchy title... tehe... ^_^

1) Salah was obligated by Allah to Prophet (s.a.w) and his ummah above the seven heavens (during al-Isra wal-Miraaj), in a place of nearness to Allah (s.w.t) that even the angels were forbidden to enter. SubhanAllah, this goes to show the status of our beloved Prophet (s.a.w)... He was the only one given the privilege of going THAT close to Allah (s.w.t)!

2) Salah is a direct link between Allah (s.w.t) and you, with no third being in the middle. When you pray, Allah responds to you directly and immediately! (Nawawi's hadeeth qudsi no. 8, originally in Muslim)

3) Did you know Allah (s.w.t) obligated 50 prayers initially? Then, the number was brought down to 5 to show the value of each prayer. By the mercy of Allah, if we pray 5 prayers daily, we still get reward for 50!!! Each prayer is worth 10 prayers that were prescribed earlier. (ahadeeth about the Miraaj in Bukhari and Muslim)

4) Salah is obligated even on the battlefield! Like I emphasized before, there is NO excuse to miss salah if you're conscious and able to pray.

5) Prophet (s.a.w) would often pray until his feet bled. When asked about this he would say, "Should I not be grateful to my Lord?"

6) Praying salah at its appointed time is the MOST beloved act of worship to Allah (s.w.t), followed by good treatment of parents, and then jihaad in the way of Allah.

7) The first thing you will be answerable for on the Day of Judgement is salah. If your salah is in check, the rest of your deeds will be too inshallah. But if your salah is deficient, the rest of your deeds will be deficient too (Al-Tirmidhi). Let's all make an effort to establish salah as abandoning it would mean abandoning Jannah!

8) Prayer protects a person from committing evil, immoral, and unethical deeds. (Surah Al-Ankabut 29:45)

9) The closest anyone can get to Allah (s.w.t) is during prayer.

10) Prophet (s.a.w)'s last advice before his death was to establish prayer.

11) Whoever refuses to pray, Allah (s.w.t) has promised him/her a difficult life and he/she will be raised up blind on the Day of Judgement. (Surah Ta-Ha 20: 124)

12) Without prayer, no other good deeds (including fasting, hajj, zakat) are accepted by Allah (s.w.t). Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The first matter of a slave to be judged will be his salah. If they are good, then the rest of his actions are fine and acceptable; however, if they are ruined, then the rest of his actions will also be ruined." (Al-Tabarani)

13) Hell fire will not touch the parts of our body that we prostrate on! :D

14) Prophet (s.a.w) will recognize his ummah on the Day of Judgement by their shining faces, hands, and feet. Every part of the body washed during wudu will be shining on that day! So, if you ever wished to shine like the vampires in novels/ movies, perform wudu!

15) After making wudu properly, if a person prays with concentration and sincerity, Allah (s.w.t) will forgive him/her!

16) Salah is your knight in shining armour, literally! It will come in the grave to protect you from the punishment and it will also interceed for you on the Day of Judgement.

17) Throughout the heaven and the Earth, Allah (s.w.t) has created angels that never get tired of praying. They have been praying since their creation and will continue to until the last day, non-stop!

18) Salah washes away sins just as water washes away dirt, 5 times a day, until no sins are left.

19) There is a valley in Jahannam for people who delay and miss salah on purpose. This valley is called the Valley of Ghayy. Allah (s.w.t) says: "So thereafter follow them a progeny that delayed the prayer [until the time ran out] and followed their desires. So they will be thrown into the [valley of] Ghayy" (Surah Maryam 19:59)

20) The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Whoever recites Ayat Al-Kursi immediately after each prescribed prayer, there will be nothing standing between him and his entering  Paradise except death.” (Reported by An-Nasa’i and IbnHibban)

All information shared in this post is derived from Coolness of the Eyes: Fiqh of Salal 101 course material.

Sincerely,
D.M.

Salah: The Desi Edition

Dear Sisters,

Assalamoalaikum

Many of us have been taught how to pray salah (commonly known as namaz) by our parents who have been taught by our grandparents; who have been taught by our great grandparents; and the chain goes on... Here's a thought: If we go to a doctor to learn medicine, why don't we go to a religious scholar to learn salah? Maybe it's because we trust our parents, who trusted their parents, to give us the right information... or maybe it's because we've always taken salah for granted and automatically assume that we're performing it the right way. In any case, we are obligated to establish and perfect our salah. If you come from a desi family like me, you probably have a lot to improve because the opinion of our ancestors has been stirred into Islam and preserved for generations. To this day, culture continues to influence our practices as a Muslim.

Here are some beliefs/ actions that desies establish during Salah, all of which are neither found in the Quran nor in the sunnah of our beloved Prophet (s.a.w). Hence, these beliefs/ actions are innovations that must be stopped.

1) Saying the neeyah (intention) out loud
I was taught to say this before starting my salah: "neeyat karti hoon namaz ki, namaz parhti hoon waastay Allah Ta'ala ke, 4 rakat namaz farz, waqt dhur ka, moo mera kaaba-e-shareef ki taraf, Allah hu Akbar!" Doesn't it sound like I am repeating to myself what I already know? I mean all of that is obvious information that one does not need to verbalize. Imagine if we started verbalizing all our intentions like that... we'd be talking to ourselves all day (...not exactly the definition of sanity I had in mind)! Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) did NOT verbalize his intention to pray but he did specify it as a condition for prayer. So, instead of verbalizing our intention, we should remind ourselves mentally that we are praying for the sake of Allah alone.

2) Touching the earlobes
I know, I know, we've seen a lot of imaams do that too when they start salah. However, Prophet (s.a.w) did NOT touch his ears when starting his prayer. He used to take his hands (palms facing the qibla) up to his shoulders and start by saying "AllahuAkbar". Don't be fooled by what the majority of people do... they may not be right. The earlobes should only be touched when reciting the adhaan.

3) Not bending properly during rukoo
In yoga class, people will do anything and everything in their power to attain the correct posture. We don't notice that trend when it comes to salah. Did you know your back needs to be completely straight when performing rukoo? So much so that if I were to put a tennis ball on your back, it should not roll forward, backward, or sideways. Grab one of your sedentary siblings from their hideout, hand them a tennis ball, and try it! Unless you've just had an argument with them... as then the ball would be aimed somewhere else. O_O

4) Reciting out loud, too loud
Have you ever prayed beside that sister in the masjid who recites out loud? And in addition to hearing everything she recites, you hear her licking her lips, breathing, gulping, etc. How is a person supposed to concentrate under such conditions!? Please recite in a manner that does not distract and annoy others.

5) Praying too fast
Some people race through their salah like it's some competition. For instance in sujood, they literally touch the ground and sit up, and moments later, end their prayer. We need to remind ourselves that salah is a direct conversation with ALLAH (s.w.t). We don't talk like that with other authority figures do we? Imagine giving an interview like that, super fast... you'd lose the job before even getting it! We need to take our time and recite everything carefully and correctly... we cannot risk having our salah rejected by Allah (s.w.t).

6) Women don't pray like men
Actually, women and men are supposed to pray the EXACT same way. The prophet (s.a.w) did NOT ask the believing women to pray in a different manner. This misconception is widespread among desies. I was told that women have to pray a little conservatively because well, we're women. Very confusing ideology... on one hand we are taught to pray in a conservative manner (which includes doing sujood like a flat pancake on the floor) and on the other hand we are told to beautify and put ourselves on display in public. Double standards? I think so too! Sisters, if you are a victim of this absolutely crazy innovation, please put an end to it now. If you are puzzled like I was when I first found out about this, do the research for yourself and ask a scholar inshallah.

7) Where to fold the hands?
Desi men tend to fold their hands below the belly button and women tend to fold them up too high. The correct way is to fold the hands on your chest (anywhere ABOVE the belly button), in a position that isn't uncomfortable and awkward. Now some desi men would never do this because to them this would resemble a woman's prayer (which is not a separate category to begin with)... Sometimes it can take quite some time for the desi mind to accept what was unknown to it before, even if that is the reality. (thumbs up for D.M's philosophy?? :D)

8) To stand or not to stand? That is the question
Some desies of the older generation choose to sit during salah, even if they can walk around for the rest of the day. Most likely, they do this because they have trouble bending for rukoo and sujood. However, Allah (s.w.t) has commanded us to stand in prayer in Surah Baqarah verse 238, so if a person CAN stand, he/she MUST stand, even if it is with support. Allah (s.w.t) has not made the prayer difficult for us, so it is permissible to keep a chair behind you and sit for the rukoo and sujjood and then stand for the second rakah again if you are able to.

9) Not praying whilst traveling, when at work, or school
Being at work or at school is no excuse to miss salah because the importance of prayer surpasses that of your job, place of destination, and education. If you are in a conscious state, salah should not be missed at any cost. Did you know? Salah is even mandatory on warriors in a battlefield with constant threat of death? Imagine now, how much sin we would get for missing salah in the comfort of our own home, school, or workplace.

Prophet (s.a.w) said: "Verily, between a man and shirk and kufr is the abandonment of salah." (Muslim)

10) Folding a corner of the mussullah (jae-namaaz) to keep shaitaan away!
I will explain in just a moment, but first.... BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! What in the world!!?? Who comes up with these ideas!!?? People even go to the extent of saying that if you don't fold the corner after finishing prayer, shaitaan will come and pray salah in the wrong way! Um... three main problems with this theory: a) Why would shaitaan "waste" his time praying when he could be convincing someone to sin? b) Folding the corner of the mussalah will not affect shaitaan and his actions in any way, shape, or form (perhaps reciting "aaodhobillah..." would be more effective??). c) This belief sounds too pathetic to say, let alone believe! Needless to say, there is no evidence of this in Islam.

So there you have it, ten innovations (and more I'm sure), that are practiced by desies worldwide. Please share this post on your social networks to raise awareness about this matter. Salah is the second pillar of faith, so it should be taken seriously.

All of the rulings discussed in this post were taken from the course Coolness of the Eyes: Fiqh of Salah 101 offered by Al-Kauthar Institute, taught by Sheikh Tawfique Chowdhury.

I encourage all of you to watch the link below to learn the correct way of performing salah. Stay tuned for amazing facts about Salah (coming up soon inshallah)! :D

Sincerely,
D.M.

Bakra Eid: Crazy Childhood Memories

Assalamoalaikum Sistas,

Hope you had a wonderful Eid!

Here are some crazy childhood experiences I had back home, during the Eid-ul-Adha season. Many of you might be able to relate if you were a kid in Pakistan or India back in the 90s.

I still remember...

The Terrifying Sights
Let's just say I witnessed a lot that I shouldn't have as a small child who was scared of everything (lack of supervision I guess?). Eid-ul-Adha was always an emotional roller coaster ride for me. I remember when the qasaie (and his team) tried to bring the animal down... I'd always make dua for it to break free and run away! We always heard news of some bail or gaien running away in the neighbourhood, but that never happened with us, our qasaie was way too good at his job.  So I'd stand there and cry until I couldn't watch the qurbani anymore.

Next came the meat cutting. I remember, on more than one occasion, seeing the meat vibrate long after the qurbani was done. And no, I'm not making this up. That used to freak the life out of me... I mean just imagine, a chunk of meat, vibrating on its own. I used to think that the animal was still alive, even after being cut in pieces! Then somebody told me the logic behind it... and of course that went way over my little brain.

As if all of that wasn't enough, long after Bakra Eid, I still used to see oojries (animal stomachs) lying around on roads. It was sad to see the needy linger around in those areas in search of something to eat.

The worst nightmare ever!
Once I had a really terrifying nightmare.  I don't remember the details... but from what I remember, a qurbani was about to happen... and I was hiding, because the animal to be sacrificed was ME! and the qasaie was none other than my own flesh and blood, my DADI !!! She was sharpening her knife and I was crying, telling her I don't want to be sacrificed. I never told me dadi about this dream from the fear of it coming true. What a crazy dream... It sounds funny now but I remember waking up terrified.

Speaking of waking up terrified, sometimes I'd wake up to the "moos" of cows... I'd wake up thinking there's a cow in my room, ready to charge at me!... Only to discover later that it was actually my dad snoring really loudly. Then, I'd jump in my mom's bed and sleep peacfully under her secure and cow/monster-proof blanket.

The Crazy Garage
Moving out of the grandparent's house into an apartment was an exciting time! That feeling of being on top of the world (on 5th floor ^_^), decorating our OWN room, and making new friends in the neighbourhood was all too exciting... until... the Eid season started. One by one, all residents of the building started bring their animals in the garage. After a few days, the garage looked more like an animal market/ slaughter house. I used to dread going to school every morning... because to get to my school bus, I had to walk across the garage packed with animals of all shapes and sizes O_O. I could barely deal with the presence of one animal back at dadi's house... and here I had to make my way through so many! This was by far one of the biggest challenges of my life! Sometimes, the chaukidaar helped me out... but other times I was on my own. Since we moved there, I stopped feeling sorry for the animals... I used to wait for the garage to be animal-free by the third day of Eid.

Red... a big "No no"
Some genius child told me that bulls attack the colour red wherever they see it.. so from that day onwards, I made the decision of never ever wearing red on Bakra Eid. I used to feel sorry for all the kids wearing red on Eid ("Ye tou gaie aaj, bull seing marray ga esko!", I used to think to myself). Little did I know, my mom sewed a beige kameez for me, with RED embroidery. I remember hiding the embroidery with my dupatta every time I stepped out. Like any bull would actually be interested in looking at the colour of my embroidery... What a paranoid child!

Feel free to share your memories! :)
-D.M.

TMS 2: Aunty Shakoorun Arranges The Meeting

Dear sisters,

Assalamoalaikum, hope you're all doing great!

So I decided to name the rishta lady from TMS 1. Meet Aunty Shakoorun ladies!

(How I wish I could insert an urdu caption there... isn't she evil and cute at the same time?)

Last time we disclosed the characteristics of the "perfect" hubby and the "perfect" wifey. The next step after finding someone who fulfills most of the requirements is to have the girl's and guy's family meet. The meeting is kind of like a cricket match, with the umpire being Aunty Shakoorun of course. Each team tries their best to interrogate the other, and impose their thoughts on the opposing team. I must admit, us desies have excellent observation skills... SubhanAllah, we can even detect stuff that doesn't actually exist *sarcastic eyebrow raise*. Why are we so judgmental? You may have heard the following statements... But do these people actually mean what they're saying? Let's find out!

Girl's mother
What she says: "Bohot khushi huwi aap logon se mil ke"
What she thinks: Shakkal se tou bohot chaalak log lagtay hain! Larka tou doctor nahin lagraha... aur ye kya!? aik white baal!!!! Age zaroor ghalat bataie hogi!

Girl's father
What he says: "Beta tum job ke elawa kya karte ho?"
What he thinks: Zaroor apnay dostoon ke saath awaragardi karta hoga!

Guy's mother
What she says: "Humain tou jahez nahin chahiyay, yeh sub tou purani rewayaat hain"
What she thinks: hahahaha, bolnay mein kya harj hai... Furniture, gaari, zewar, waghaira tou log dete he hain daughters ko. Jo meri bahu ka, wo meray betay ka!
What she says: "Array aap nay bohot takkalluf karliya!"
What she thinks: kya kanjoos log hain! chai ke saath sirf biscuits?!? Do they not know main chai mein papay dubo ke khaati hoon?! Grrr..

Guy's father
What he says: "Mera beta bohot qaabil aur layaq hai, mashallah se doctor hai!"
What he thinks: *sigh* kambakht 4 dafa fail ho chuka hai... shukar Allah ka ke 5th time paas hogaya! Allah uske patients aur biwi ko apni hifazat mein rakhay, Ameen!

Guy's sista
What she says: "Meray bhai tou bohot he shareef aur naik insaan hain... dekhain, abhi bhi sharam se apnay handkercheif se face hide karrahe hain he... he..."
What she thinks: The girl's family should never find out about my brother's aawaragardi... NEVER! Gotta delete his ex off facebook tonight!

Guy
What he says: "..."
What he thinks: When are we leaving? Why is everyone staring at me!? What if aunty spotted my punky nose piercing that I'm trying to hide! Maybe she's wondering why my hair is all spiked up... aunties don't know nothing about hairdos man... I look siiiiiiiccckk! yeeeeahh! How much longer do I have to wait to see the girl?

Aunty Shakoorun
What she says: "Aap ki beti tou bohot he pyari hai mashallah! Humain bohot pasand aaie"
What she thinks: Ya Khuda! zara tou makeup karleti! picture mein tou makeup thopa wa tha tou kuch behtar lagrahi thi... Allah karray larkay waloon ko picture aur aasliat mein farq na pata chalay.. warna mera commission tou...

Girl
What she says: "jee... jee... jee..."
What she thinks: OMG... breathe...breeeeathe! Ammiiiii why did you have to tell me to make chai!!??? I can hardly stop myself from shaking... What if I drop the chai on aunty!? How do I look up to see the guy?... what if his mom catches me looking at him!? no no... too risky... gotta peek from kitchen instead... I hope I look good!

Did you hear that? Most of these people don't mean what they say... and this is supposed to be a meeting where families need to be honest with each other, to minimize any future problems for the couple. It's not uncommon for desi parents to lie about many things... in fact, in Pakistan it's a norm to tell the WRONG age. Why are people so afraid to tell the truth and just be themselves? The answer lies in the unrealistic expectations we discussed in TMS 1. People feel the need to lie and elevate their status in the eyes of others so their daughter or son can find a good spouse.  After all, nobody wants anyone less than perfect right? Deception may lead to temporary success, but the end result is nothing but failure.

Perhaps we need to reevaluate our standards... and tell our parents that we don't need that perfect, rich, good looking prince they are looking for. We need to remind our parents and ourselves of the most perfect example of our Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w). He was neither rich nor could he read or write, and yet he is the best example of a perfect husband and a perfect human being. It's true that times have changed, a person with no education or money can survive only with great difficulty so there is no harm in seeking someone educated with a reliable job. However, these days what we seek is a luxurious lifestyle, not survival. Let's not forget that it's not always black and white... we are capable of leading a perfectly productive and beautiful life without all the fancy-shmancy stuff that we'd get if we married someone from the upper class. People from the middle and lower class have just as much right to get married... but what ends up happening is that we opt for the upper class, leaving a surplus of single individuals in the remaining population! I mean, just look around you, most of your good looking and rich friends and relatives are already committed or married! But can you say the same for others? It's called "Survival of the fittest"... too bad for us "unfit" creatures.

This time, I leave you with 3 reminders:
1) Don't run after the perfect... try to be perfect yourself and Allah (swt) will take care of the rest inshallah!

Allah (swt) Says: "women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (Surah Al-Noor 24:26)

2) Don't seek the pleasure of this world, seek the pleasure of the hereafter... and don't worry, you can own a mansion and all the goodies you can imagine and beyond, in Jannah... for FREE! :D Treat this world like it's a bus stop... where you just wait a while... and then you must move on and begin the REAL journey, one that is everlasting.

On the authority of Abdullah ibn Umar (May Allah be pleased with him), he relates that the Prophet (s.a.w) once held my shoulders and said: “Live in this world as (if you are) a wayfarer or a stranger.” [Al-Bukhari & Al-Muslim]

3) Stop being judgmental... and stop lying.

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) that, “Whoever believes in God and the Last Day should speak good or remain silent.” [Al-Bukhari & Al-Muslim]

Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) also said, "One of the most evil of people is the two-faced person, who shows one face to some people and another face to other people." [Muslim]

Stay tuned for TMS 3 and other awesome reminders :)

Sincerely,
D.M.

What are some common mistakes women make during Hajj?

http://blog.iloveallaah.com/2012/10/mistakes-that-women-make-during-hajj/

TRIALS AND STRESS... Bachaooo!

Dear sisters,

Asalamoalaikum. Sorry, haven't been writing lately... blame my busy schedule and STRESS!

More often than not, we are under constant stress because of one reason or another. School, family problems, work, getting chores done, cooking, long drives, living up to the expectations of family and friends, getting groceries, paying rent, looking and acting our best, fulfilling religious duties, running behind schedule, taking care of kids, and a whole bunch of other personal issues (even the most tiny, insignificant, almost non-existent factors like loosing a hijab pin) all contribute greatly to our stress.

These days worrying about something is the norm and a person who is at peace is the odd one out. Many of us hate Mondays (the start of yet another crazy week) and wait eagaerly for the weekend, when life seems to pause for a while... and then it's back to the "kaam, kaam, kaam, aur sirf kaam" moto of Qaid-e-Azam. But why are there so many trials in life? Why can't everything just go smoothly and perfectly? Why must we spend the greater part of our day worrying about something or the other? If you were a kid like me, who hated tests and exams in school, then perhaps by now you know that those were nothing compared to the REAL tests and trials of this world.

For a moment I need you to forget about everything you are worried about (short and long term) *not trying to brainwash you or anything, just work with me here inshallah* and ponder over the following verses of the Quran.

Allah (swt) says: "He Who created death and life, that He may try which of you is best in deed: and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving. (Surah Al-Mulk 67: 2)

Allah (swt) says: "And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me" (Surah Adh-Dhariyat 51:56)

That is the true purpose of life... to worship Allah (swt) and here we are, stressed and obsessed about worldly affairs. You might wonder how we can possibly worship Allah (swt) day and night, for as long as we live. The simple answer is to learn the correct definition of worship/ ibaadah. If you think ibadaah is to pray salah, fast, give charity, and perform hajj, then certainly, it would be impossible to perform ibaadah 24/7 and at the same time live a productive life in this dunya. But that's not all it means.

Did you know? "Islam" means submission to Allah and "Muslim" means the one who submits his will to Allah. Hence, ibadaah means to do any act in accordance with Islamic principles. For instance, if a mother takes good care of her children to please Allah (swt), that is ibaadah. If you sleep with the intention of waking up for fajr, your sleep is ibaadah. If you visit the sick and help the poor because that is what Allah (swt) wants us to do, that is ibaadah. If you look in the mirror one last time before going out, to make sure you are dressed to please Allah not people, that is ibaadah. Even if you smile and show mercy to a loved one, that is ibaadah. I'm sure you'd agree now that performing ibaadah every day of our lives is very much doable alhumdulillah. Keeping the purpose of life in mind, we must remind ourselves to worry about pleasing Allah (swt) as opposed to spending all our time and energy worrying about insignificant matters.

Allah (swt) says: "And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the patient, Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”: They are those on whom (descend) Blessings from Allah, and Mercy, and they are the ones that receive guidance. (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

Here, Allah (swt) clearly mentions that trials are inevitable and that we WILL be tested. Once we understand that all the problems we face are indeed tests from Allah (swt), it would become easier to endure them with His help inshallah. Let's face it, all our problems and worries will end sooner or later, only the ultimate question will remain even after death: Did we do enough to succeed in the hereafter? and THAT is what we should be worried about the MOST. All our other worries seem a lot less important now don't they?

Here's a beautiful hadeeth about believers and trials :)

Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is good for him” (Muslim)

Here's what we should do to cope with stress:
1) When you run into a problem, say:

 "To Allah We belong, and to Him is our return”
Us desies like to recite this ONLY when we hear of someone's death... but if we say it every time we encounter a problem or loss, we will be reminded of the true purpose of life and in turn, will be able to face the trial with patience instead of stressing out and falling in depression.
2) Be patient... remember, Allah is with those who are patient. If you do this, with each trial your sins will decrease :)
3) Get into the habit of thanking Allah (swt) for everything... because it could always be worse.
4) Increase your ibaadah, for "In the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest" (Quran 13:28)

So whether you're worried about financial problems, family problems, or anything else... remind yourself that it is only temporary, just like this life. We need to stay focused on succeeding in the hereafter... because that will be ever lasting. And remember, "With every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief" (Surah Al-Inshirah 94: 6)... So hang in there! Good times might be right around the corner inshallah! :)

This post is dedicated to a dear friend who suggested this topic <3


Sincerely,
D.M.

TMS 1: Rishta Lady On The Loose!

Dear sisters,

Assalamoalaikum

With the sight of a hawk, speed of a cheetah, and cleverness of a fox, kwanri larkian and larkay don't stand a chance against the rishta lady. I'm sure you know of at least one aunty who is always talking about shaadi. She's always trying to convince other aunties to get their kids married.

Rishta Lady: Kya umar hogi tumhari beti ki?

Innocent mom: Jee bus eighteen ki hogi es saal inshallah.

Rista Lady: KYA? athara saal ki hogaey kuri aur abhi tak rishtay dekhnay shuru nai kiyay! Kya larki ko ghar bethao gi saari umar!? Tauba tauba *touches ears* kya zamana aa gaya hai!

Innocent mom: Nai wo... apni parhaie complete...

Rishta Lady: Larkion ki shaadi jaldi kardeni chahiyay, uddjusst karnay mein aasani hoti hai... aik baar umar pakki hojaey na, phir wo kissi ki nai suntien... main aik achay larkay ki family ko jaanti hoon, tum kaho tou baat chalaoon? Buntyyyyy betaaa mera cell phone tou lana bhag ke! Abhi call karti hoon unhain!

Innocent mom: Lekin wo... sunnain tou...

Rishta Lady: Dekho ab tum na shukri kar rahi ho! Astaghfirullah! Larka achay khandaan se hai, barray ameer log hain, tumhari beti tou raaj karegi RAAJ! main tumhari jaga hoti tou phut se haan kardeti! array larka DOCTOR hai *drools*, ameer hai, bungla gaari sub kuch hai, gora chita hai... aur kya chahiyay?

Innocent mom: Wo sub to theek hai magar...

Rishta Lady: Tumhari beti tou Eshoriya [she means, Aishwarya] Rai jaisi lagti hai... ghar ke kaam tou kar leti hai na? safaie aur khana pakkana waghaira? Bhai mainay tou apni beti ki etni achi training ki thi ke uske susral walay aaj tak "wah wah" karte hain *grins with pride*... parh likh ke kya karna hai? shaadi ke baad tou yahi kaam karne hote hain. Main tou kehti hoon college ko choro, kissi silaie karhaie ki class mein admission kara do. Yahan ke school ke mohol se tou Allah bachaey... tauba, humari bachi ghar mein he achi! ye lo, Bunty phone le aya... Bismillah karo! *dials*

Judging from their conversation, most of the desi population suffers from dunya obsession (commonly known as materialism)... especially when it comes to finding the "right" spouse. Let's read the rishta lady's notes on what she thinks makes the perfect husband and the perfect wife.

The Perfect Wife:

- Must be drop dead gorgeous (big eyes, nazuk nose, lean and tall, long thick hair, and most importantly, GORI like Bunty's feeder ka doodh)
- Must know how to cook well enough to please and feed her husband (aakhir husband ke dil ka raasta pait se guzarta hai!) AND susral walay
- Must know how to sew (in case the saas wants an urgent outfit for her upcoming kitty par-tae!)
- Must be respectful and zulm sehnay wali type... after all, larki ke patience se he tou ghar chalta hai!
- Must bring dowry (more is less)
- Must be in late teens or early twenties
- Must be willing and happy to live with her in-laws
- Must spend most of her married life in the place where she truly belongs, the kitchen
- Must not use her brain cells too much




The Perfect Husband:

- Must be good looking (this clause can be ignored if the next condition is met)
- Must have a never ending supply of money (pot of gold, sonay ki chirya/murghie, and unlimited credit are all accepted)
- Must own a big house and several cars
- Must be a doctor or an engineer
- Must complete his degree and masters and find a job before shaadi
- Must be in late 20s or early 30s (only fully settled guys wanted!)
- Must be romantic as per the Bollywood standard (includes falling in love at first sight and going in a trance *with background music*, singing and running in the farms hand in hand with his wife, beating the gunday budmaash, and living happily ever after)




um... yea, shocking. As crazy as it sounds, these are things people actually look for in a "suitable" rishta... and then we wonder why the divorce rate is increasing (pfft, what a surprise -___-). A marriage based only on these standards is bound to collapse... because it has no strong foundation of deen. With the husband busy making money and the wife busy in cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc. religion gets pushed even further down the priority list. In doing so, the marriage might still work... but would the couple ever feel true peace, happiness, and love? Of course not. The hustle bustle of life keeps us so busy that we've started acting more like robots and less like humans (this is why those butterflies in the stomach fly away after the first few years of marriage). Somewhere along the way, we've lost our connection with Allah (swt) and once that is lost, so is the connection with His creation. Remember, Islam is our guide to life that Allah (swt) blessed us with. As Muslims we are taught to juggle deen and dunya together and with the perfect blend of both, true happiness and salvation can be achieved.

Our Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us to look for a righteous person when it comes to marriage. If the person's faith and character is in check, the rest automatically falls in place. After all, the success of a marriage isn't determined by young age, degree, high paying job, good looks, and huge property and bank balance. We can all think of at least one couple who has all of those things... but their marriage still seems to be falling apart. On the contrary, a couple with none of those things can still lead a happy and peaceful life if they are close to Allah (swt) and practice Islam wholeheartedly.

Prophet (saw) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character), so marry the one who is best in the religion and prosper." (Bukhari and Muslim)

This is a reminder for all of us, who are at or are reaching the age of marriage, to shun the hollow standards and look for someone who is a good Muslim... everything else (including education, job, looks) comes later. I'm not asking you to completely ignore all other factors, but rather to make faith and character your PRIORITY and THEN consider other things inshallah.

Sincerely,
D.M.

The Quran: Too High To Reach

Dear sisters,

Salamoalaikum

Why have we lost our connection with the Quran? It wasn't always like this, we were encouraged  to read the Quran everyday as kids. Back then, missing the Quran sabaq with maulwi sahab could mean BIG trouble. I still remember how strict my maulwi sahab was... This one time he took a chair and put it on top of my little brother! O_O and I don't even remember becharay bachay ka qasoor kya tha! Annnyyyyways, I could write up an entire post on the suspicious characters of maulwi sahabs but we've got more important matters to discuss here. Below are some reasons why I think we've stopped reading the Quran regularly and the solutions to establish our relationship with it again.

Reason 1: It's too high up
Have you ever noticed where people keep the Quran? It's usually kept at the highest level of our shelves. I remember in Pakistan, there was a pillar like structure built at two cornering walls of my living room, for the purpose of keeping the Quran. We do this because the Quran is the most respected of all books and so it must be elevated... but we tend to forget that what is out of sight is usually out of mind (fact: we rarely look up as much of what we need/ want is grounded). What ends up happening in most homes is that the Quran is left on the shelf to collect dust, because many of us don't even see it, let alone reading and establishing a connection with it every day.

Solution: Keep the Quran where you can see it. This will not decrease the status of the Quran by any means, rather it will increase the chances of it being read inshallah.

It (the Quran) is a book We have sent down to you, full of blessing, so let people of intelligence ponder its signs and take heed. (Quran, Surah Sad: 20)

Reason 2: Do we really know the importance of the Quran?
Okay, so we all know that Quran is the Speech of Allah and it was sent down upon our Prophet Muhammad (saw) so he could deliver the message of Islam to humanity. But how many of us were told that the Quran is actually a GUIDE FOR LIFE? As kids we did many things that we were told to do... but no one bothered telling us the reasoning behind important matters. I don't remember anyone telling me that the Quran tells you how to live your life, it gives you a solution for every problem, and that it is a means by which Allah (swt) talks to you directly!

Solution: We need to educate ourselves and our children about the importance and purpose of the Quran. To better understand, suppose someone gives you a machine that you've never used before. What is the first thing you'd look for to make sure you work the machine properly? Of course, the manual! Oh no... the manual is missing! Who would you go to now, to ask how the machine works? Of course, the manufacturer or the inventor of the machine. Allah (swt) tells us that we are accountable for whatever we do... and so He gave us a manual to live by in order to succeed here in this dunya and also in the hereafter. That manual is the Quran. Allah (swt) created us, so it only makes sense to turn to Him in order to figure out the proper way to live.

“And indeed We have made the Qur’an easy for direction and guidance, but is there anyone who will take advice?” (Surah Al-Qamar 54:17)

Reason 3: Me no understand!
If I taught you the verbal skills needed to read Japanese (but not understand it) and then gave you a big book in Japanese to read, you would read it easily without any difficulty whatsoever, even if you don't understand what is written. But then if I told you that you'll be having an exam in English on what you learned and understood from the book... There's a 100% chance of you failing that exam (even memorizing the entire book in Japanese, cover to cover, wouldn't help you). How can you pass an exam on something you don't understand at all? Many of us face the same dilemma when it comes to reading the Quran. We were taught to read Arabic only, not how to understand it. How then do we expect to pass the exam on the Day of Judgement, without understanding anything from the Quran despite reading it many times?

Solution: Strive to learn Arabic or read a translation/ tafseer of the Quran along with the Arabic text. Having read the Quran many times in Arabic may bring you lots of hasanaat (reward/sawaab) but it doesn't allow you to understand what Allah (swt) is telling you. Understanding the meaning of the Quran is not the norm among desies, only reading and memorizing it is. No wonder many of us feel disconnected with it... It's only natural for us to pay more attention to something that is in a language we understand. There is Divine Wisdom in why Allah (swt) revealed the Quran in Arabic and it is important to mention here that any translation you read, is not the Quran itself (because the Speech of Allah is ONLY in Arabic) and it is only an attempt to translate it. Although the translation cannot offer the EXACT alternative of the Quran, by studying it we can still acquire the main message and teachings given by Allah (swt). If you don't already have a translation and tafseer (explanation) of the Quran, please get one as soon as possible and study it. Let us also remember to make it a norm for our next generation to learn and study Arabic, so when they read the Quran, they won't have to resort to other means to understand it inshallah.

“ The Best amongst you is (he) who learns and teaches the Holy Quran.”
(Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 4, Hadith # 4739)

I hope you benefited from the solutions offered here. Please do make an effort to engage with the Quran daily (even if you read just one ayah a day, read it with understanding) and act upon what you learn from it.

Sincerely,
D.M.

$ Eidii $... I mean, * Eid * Mubarak!

Dear sisters,
Salamoalaikum and EID MUBARAK to you and your family! :)

Eid is an extremely joyous occasion that we all wait for eagerly! I have to admit, I haven't been able to enjoy the Eids here in Canada, as much as I used to back in Pakistan... That was something else subhanAllah. How I wish I could fly to Pakistan right now in my khayali pulao wala private jet, with all my family and friends conveniently packed in my luggage... *sigh* I can almost feel the suffocation from smog outside the Karachi airport and the sticky sand ever present in the air...

*pinch* Okay, coming back to reality... Here are some common mistakes we shouldn't make on the day of or after Eid.

1) Eid prayer, only for men?

Back in Pakistan, everyone wakes up early in the morning on the day of Eid. The typical wife is usually busy making sheer qorma and cleaning up while the typical husband gets ready and leaves for Eid ki namaz. Meanwhile the wife does more kaam and after that dresses the kids up and then finally dresses up herself. All this has to be done BEFORE the husband comes back from the masjid, because as soon as he comes back, one of the two things happen: He either brings home other people to feed them sheer qorma OR he gets upset upon seeing the wife and kids not ready... as that could cause life threatening delays in meeting his khaandan walay >.<

Point being, the majority of women back home don't pray the Eid prayer because they rarely ever go to the masjid and the concept of praying Eid namaz at home is unknown to most women. This is a reminder to all sisters, that the Eid prayer is obligatory. Some scholars have a different opinion and say that it is sunnah for women. Either way, Prophet (saw) encouraged women to go out for Eid prayer... so we should try our best to go to the masjid and pray or at the very least, pray at home. Click on this link for evidence and a better explanation of this issue: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/49011/eid%20prayer%20sunnah%20men

2) Ching ching and bling bling!

Now, having said that women should go to the masjid doesn't imply that they should go there overly dressed up, distracting everyone (especially the opposite gender)! Sisters, please go easy on the chooriyan and the payals (because all that ching ching during prayer is not only distracting, its ANNOYING!). Also, keep in mind that you're not going to walk down the runway, so please don't wear clothes in which people could mistake you for a bride! Lastly, avoid bathing in perfume, for the sake of people around you, please. It wouldn't hurt to wear an abaya, or something close to that in  simplicity. You can dress up as much as you want at home.

3) Ye eidi hum ko de day thakur!

So I thought the bachay in my khandaan were wild, until I heard stories of what happens in other households O_O. People literally fight for eidi because it's "fun". Correct me if I'm wrong, but that sounds more like stealing! NOT fun! The cheena jhapti must end people, be happy with what you get! So what if your chacha gives your older sibling $20 and you $5... life is unfair, deal with it (grrr... sucks being the younger sibling at times).

A humble request to people who give eidi: Please give an equal amount to each kid in the family, for the sake of being fair and avoid the eidi battle that happens behind your back. Also, don't hog your child's eidi! (trust me, that is a crime they will not forgive you for! See that woman in the picture? She still can't get over that childhood trauma *tsk tsk*)

4) Shaitan is back, with our pre-Ramadan messed up habits!

Many people forget about the promises they made to themselves about being a better Muslim at the onset of Ramadan and adopt old habits again on the very day of Eid. They feel as if they are "free" to switch on the TV, listen to music, gossip, be less modest, miss prayer, abandon Quran, and to do whatever they want. Sisters, realize that this "freedom" is only a mirage... The true freedom was that which we experienced in Ramadan, freedom from a life of sin.

Think about it, if everyone in this world did whatever they wanted under the label of freedom, the world would be a horrible place! We need rules and regulations to function as a society and individuals. Islam is a complete way of life and so the rules Allah (swt) has set for us, are only for our OWN benefit. Let us remember to follow the rules of our Creator, not those of the creation.

Ramadan is like training for us... this month, we have proved to ourselves that we are capable of being good Muslims, we just choose not to be for the rest of the year. Let us try to avoid sin and continue praying and reading the Quran regularly, even after Eid inshallah.

Sincerely,
D.M.