Dear sisters,
Have you been told that love before marriage is haram? Have you seen your friends struggle to marry the person they love? Do you like someone and don't know what to do? Are you afraid of telling your parents because a) They will ghar se bahar nikaling you b) Get you deported to Pakistan and make you marry someone there to utaring the bhoot of love marriage off your head or c) Give you zabardast pitaie instead of mithaie? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then this post is dedicated to you!
Love by itself is the most beautiful intangible entity that we long to receive and marriage is a pure bond that binds two souls together. So what could be better than love or marriage? I think the answer is obvious... a love marriage! Love and marriage go together like halwa and poori (yummm!), one would be incomplete without the other.
On the surface it may seem that the desi community at large has accepted the Love Marriage Concept (LMC) but unfortunately, for many families that is not the case. Below are some dialogues you may have heard typical desi parents say when approached by their children about getting married to someone they love... followed by my analysis and some practical advice.
"Astaghfirullah! Ye sunnay se pehlay hum mar kyon nai gaey!"
"Ye shaadi nai hosakti owaaay!"
"Bus, jo keh diya so keh diya!"
"We are Muslims, Muslims are not supposed to do these kinds of things. It is HARAM! There is no love shove before shaadi, sub bakwaas hai!"
"Buray larkian aur larkay ye harkatein karte hain. We don't want this kind of badnaami, what will people say? Humain izzat jaan se zyada pyaari hai!"
"Mujju kay abba suntay ho!? Tumhari beti ne kya gul khilaya hai apni awara gori doston ke saath reh reh ke!... Aakhir maa baap ki koi hasiat hai!? Aaj kal ke bachay want to decide everything by themselves, no importance of parents!"
"Khandaan se bahar shaadi!? Kabhi nai!"
"Yeh tumhari pasand hai, YEH!? eski shakkal dekhi hai tumne, chozay jaisi! Aqal aur aankhain dono kharab hain!"
"Abhi chappal utaar ke maroon gi na tou sara love ka bhoot utar jaey ga!"
And of course the classic reaction.... no need for words:
*gasp*..................... *death stare + deadly silence*..................... *thappar!*
Argh, typical desi parent strategy: Don't discuss, only dictate. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about... most desi parents are good at stating their opinion but horrible at justifying or discussing it with their children in a rational manner. They think they can handle this matter by expressing anger and being authoritative. Maybe they listened to their parents without questioning them but we require answers and explanations in order to be convinced and there is nothing wrong with that. Since childhood we have been told that it is good to listen to your parents and bad to question them. I agree with the first part of that statement but I don't believe asking questions decreases the respect for parents in any way. Islam doesn't encourage mindlessly following someone, rather we are encouraged to ask questions, think, ponder, and reflect. So go ahead and ask your parents why they are acting the way they are... and what is the reason for their refusal (so what if you get a thappar or two, love hurts, deal with it jawan :p)
Advice for parents: Pleeeeeeeeaaaasee open those doors of communication and let some fresh air in! Yes you have every right to advise your child, but your anger and lack of willingness to communicate only suppresses the issue, it doesn't resolve the matter. If you want your kids to listen to you, sit down with them and explain to them calmly why you think so-and-so isn't a suitable match for them. And if you don't even know who they want to marry, then make an effort to know the person at the very least.
Isn't it awesome that your child has saved you the long and tedious journey of finding a good spouse for him/her? What's there to lose if you're getting a good rishta without contacting Aunty Shakooran or other similar creatures? Please do remember that you will be questioned for your actions just like everyone else... It's unfair to reject your child's wish of marrying someone for invalid reasons that have no foundation in Islam (such as different race/cast issue, status difference, etc.). Give your kids a chance to speak up because at the end of the day you want them to be happy inshAllah.
Advice for youth: Don't lose your temper, stay within limits, and don't give up. I know its frustrating when parents block all ways of communication and aren't even willing to listen to you, let alone support you. But, lets not forget that they are the same parents who took care of you and had mercy on you since you were a helpless little cute creature up until now. Though they may not express their love, they still love you to bits and pieces and are only trying to protect you by means they think are effective. When you tell them you like someone, the first thoughts that pop up in their mind are all negative... because that's how their mind works for concepts that are borderline "haram". So instead of being angry and rude (which would only give more fuel to their negative assumptions) try to talk to them calmly and respectfully. Reassure them that you are not going to do anything wrong and that you are simply trying to seek their advice and help in getting married. Give them hadiths if you have to, to prove yourself. Many parents would be shocked to find out that Islam acknowledges the existence of love before marriage and gives a person every right to marry whoever they think is suitable.
Ibn Abbas reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said, “We do not see for those who love one another anything like marriage.” [Sunan Ibn Majah, Book of Marriage, Number 1847, Sahih]
It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1087; classed as hasan by al-Nasaa’i, 3235)That being said, keep in mind that people cross boundaries pretty easily when under the love spell. It's natural to have feelings for someone, but what matters is what you do with those feelings. If you are genuinely interested in marrying someone, the best approach would be to get your parents involved and get on with the rishta process as soon as possible. It is not acceptable to go out with the person or have long phone conversations without a third person. If indulging in forbidden actions is your definition of love, then you need to get yourself an Islamic dictionary and reevaluate the meaning of true love :)
Allah (swt) says: ''O you who believe, do not make unlawful the good things Allah has made lawful for you, and do not overstep the limits. Allah does not love people who overstep the limits" (5:87)Click on this link to find out more about the LMC in Islam: http://islamqa.info/en/ref/2342
Sincerely,
D.M.
